Today, I am

20130929-223213.jpg

I’m worried, always worried. I worry about other people that aren’t me, so much that it makes me wonder if I’ll ever grow because of it. But I sort of all out refuse to stop, but try doing it a new way. I have recently pushed myself out into my own spotlight and am going through BIG change. But I as I’m going I’m trying to see that Big change doesn’t necessarily mean the opposite of your past, but more an adjustment, for me. I’ve always been in the middle and looking up the skirts of other peoples lives and problems, and that view is life. I can’t avoid the hairy legs, or pretend they don’t exist to live my life “better.” Not agreeing with someone isn’t the end, but it feels like it. I think it’s hard to move forward because I see that I’m going to have to start saying things that I need to say, which always felt like confrontation in the past, but now it seems obvious that it is just what adjusted humans do. It is hard, because not everyone feels like being adjusted everyday at every minute, and some never are on your level in any way. But if I want to live a little better, maybe I can do my part to communicate, give people my perspective of whatever moment, and cut through the real raw emotions that fly around us, sometimes without words, and sometimes with words to distract. It sounds like a nice way to cut up a cake, words to articulate the moment filled with everyone’s avoidance. A slice for all, and you can eat it too. It’s not a confrontation if it’s made from sugar and love, it’s a flippin word cake, and I think we’d all be better off using them to get out of our corners.

Anyway. That’s a picture of Clyde from one of our walks this week. Michigan is beautiful right now, and I feel lucky to have it’s starry skies over me. Im both profoundly happy and overwhelmed to be here, I feel like I’m fighting everyday to live and live with the honesty I need and have avoided for some time. It’s important to fight for that, I think it’s the most important of all. Cary Grant or Humphrey Bogart might agree, I think they’d say it in a movie to a young woman in their arms, “Don’t kid yourself, kid.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s