This isn’t about that

I think that flower I spent so much time on isn’t as beautiful as it could have been. I don’t think I cater well to the wishes of others, usually a buzz kill in terms of wanting to continue being creative, though one feels restricted.

I want to get into just lines color and texture, making a pattern on canvas. See where it goes. Petals are an easy outlet for that kind of abstraction. I’m sure bones would have been too but who cares about smelly old bones?

Today I’m trying not to feel guilty about pretending my morning was a sunday morning, because I didn’t have one yesterday. I feel like I’m trying to create a weekend by designating some days as “day off” days, but really it’s just a free morning where I decide it’s ok to stay in bed and watch and episode of dexter before getting up. I’m still adjusting to this non-schedule of a life. Taking some of Ky’s advice and making the most of what I’ve got. It’s easier to do that just at work, come home to empty canvases that I had recently sworn off, to reconvince myself it’s worth trying something. It’s not as easy. I walked by a playground today and enjoyed watching some kids play together. They were both acting out their deaths, I assume one was by fireball and the other little boy was falling to his knees by sword wound. They were really dramatic, it makes me wonder why drama isn’t a required course in elementary school. Because all kids are natural actors, and it gives them a chance to read literature and act out tough emotions and see how another character deals with it. Kids can be taught that stuff really early, empathy. I dunno, anytime I think about kids I miss being around them. And get confused about what I’m trying to do for myself. I don’t know if I’m really developing over here of just going into an early ice age of mental slowness.

I do know I’m out here with a person I really care about. And that counts for something in my book, so whatever, I’ll get there.

Oh yeah, I finished season two of Dexter this morning, I can’t stop watching. I end up dreaming up happy endings when I watch it before bed. Only to be cruelly disappointed by actual endings.


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