Nothin like drivin at night to put the fear of everything in you. Specially driving alone at night. I do wish sometimes I wasn’t raised Catholic, just to help out in certain moments where I’m sure from my gut that there are mysteries afoot, and otherworldly fears to beware of. And like right now. I was exhausted an hour ago or over an hour ago, and passed out, but creaking joints woke me up as they sometimes do. here I am. Wondering what excitement I was hooting for. A city? Maybe I’m scared of it because it feels like a mouth, a big dark mouth that is always chewing. The only way to not get swallowed is to invent new ways to distract it and keep it interested in vegetables so it would spit you out should an accident happen. Why do I associate fear with so much? Do I really believe I would fail so outright, or that what that one person said that one time ect was really true about me? Constantly a question of, would you really like it, or would you feel the same? I think that’s the worst. But it’s remedied by putting more of yourself into it.
No that’s it. Putting myself into something. It’s been a while. While it’s the most thrilling thing there is in life, I have taken a break from it. Cut myself down quite a bit, and going up from there. Everyone gets cut down at some point. And everyone’s afraid to try something new. The honest thing to hold on to right now, achy joints and all, is that most people aint that bad, and to stop believing in only the negative and start pushing for the positive.
Those advil should kick in soon. I hope. I foresee yoga in my mornings future. Then weeds, and pruning, then babysitting. Two more weeks. Two more weeks.
Oh joyous fear!